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In the spot where it says marital status, they dared to write it. That word. S.P.I.N.S.T.E.R. And in the year 2022.

The horror of it all!

Not single or bachelorette or even Bridget Jones. No, they called me a spinster.

I know I do things at a different pace, but to be called an old maid? And not just anywhere but on a legal piece of paper, it will stand forever.

Call the cops. Get the guillotine. Roll those heads.

The stale patriarchy is at it again.

I’d preferred to have been called a witch, quite honestly.

Casting spells is more in my skill set than spinning yarn.

It’s a good laugh, yes, but when you examine it a little more closely, it speaks to there being a timeframe in which to get things done. Things like getting married, having children, buying cars, acquiring fancy work titles and stacking cash higher than the security walls of your home.

We live in a world where we are made to believe that we need to achieve, we need to have, we need to get, we need to rush…

Rush for? Money. Ego. Status. Acceptance. Success. Love. Happiness?

The only thing I have ever achieved with rushing is added stress, anxiety and an intense need for caffeine. I have been in that cycle of rushing and feeling so lost; lost to the path I was on or needed to get on. It has always ended up at the middle of the road cul-de-sac with more questions than answers.

The truth is that when you follow the ‘right’ timelines for life that are dictated by the same grey men who called me a spinster, you are considered normal, stable, and safe.

If you are a late bloomer then you’ve probably been deemed a bit of an outsider, a misfit, or a failure. Terms used to make you feel like you’re at the bottom of the stinky pile of poo.

The most important thing I’ve learned

With arriving later in life, we are not in competition with each other. Having done certain things by a certain age is not an indicator of success, and success is not an indicator of happiness: being unmistakably you is.

My path has not been linear and not always logical. If you had to make a graph of it, it would scale the heights of being haphazard. I’ve stopped beating myself up about the imperfection of it all and accepted it. Looking back and lamenting has never served anyone well. Looking back and learning has.

At 45, I’m resting in the awareness that as a Being I’m constantly evolving.

That means that in 2 years from now, I may not have the same interests, be in the same career or live in the same city. Growing up in a chaotic environment, I latched on to the idea that to be ‘normal’ you needed to stick to one decision and stay on the same path forever.

Something I have never been able to do.

The end of 2021 felt like a good time to pause and think about whether all the things I was involved in were still in my best interests. The answer to that was a short and resounding NO. Instead of trying to force anything to work, I cancelled, sold or let go of all that no longer serves who I am at my core.

In the past few years, I strived to master many things all at the same time. I focussed on growth, numbers, and strategies and I did it in a rush. I leaned too far into what I would consider my masculine energy of push push push and that eventually sucked the joy out of my creative soul. So much so that I didn’t want to write any more.

Not many people know that in 2017 while experiencing a period of grief I decided to get baptised.

My family stood by me in possibly my greatest moment of surrender. While in that state I wrote a testimony which I never shared. In it I spoke about how on a long solo road trip heading home one day I had a persistent message of the letter S coming to me. It never stopped until I almost got home and the word Service poked its way into my consciousness.

I was quite devastated at the time. I knew how to be selfish, I had no idea how to serve. Not only that, but I wanted to try it but I didn’t know where, what or who.

Recently, my sister shared a clip with me of Jay Shetty describing purpose as being this: purpose = passion + skill set + service. He goes on to say that purpose is something that you feel your way into. If you take the things you are passionate about, develop skills around them and share them with the world. That is your service.

This resonates with me because heading into 2022 I made the decision to steep myself into my feels and that is my feminine energy. The focus is on intuition, softness, and subtlety. The best part about it is there is no rush. I am willing to let it unfold.

And to let the stories tell themselves.

Blooming late has been a blessing to me.

I learnt to love.

Myself, and others.

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